I have this nudge consuming me from the inside out, desiring for me to write about the very thoughts that waltz across my mind. The Lord kept whispering into my heart to write about my experience of losing a friend in the hopes that others can look at my experience and think of ways not to avoid the situation from happening, but to handle it with grit, perseverance, and the knowledge that our Lord Jesus Christ will be beside them through this process.
Losing a friend can usually be the terrible or amazing for a person. Amazing in the sense that a person wanted to get rid of the friend in the first place or amazing because they can automatically just move on and find a new friend. For me, let’s just say losing a friend hit me like a train.
Only did I realize that she’s been meaning to tell me that for these past few months she did not even want to be friends with me anymore. A few days before receiving word through a text message, (yes friends) through a text message I cried because I felt like a ghost around her figuratively and literally because she isn’t at Corban this term but will return in the fall. What made me more disappointed and upset was the fact that she did not tell me herself that she wanted to end the friendship.
She said our relationship was too stressful for her – which I’ll give reasons later. But as I fully read the long text message from her mother, I’ll never forget seeing these words which said, “Just trust God that not all friendships were meant to be.” For the next few days leading up to my tea party and my birthday that very Sunday I tried to let those words sink in, although I still could not think about the situation without bursting into tears and for those that know me know that I rarely cry unless something dramatic happens to me. I even had to hear that in my ATC class as Mathisen was one day discussing the law of nature and said that “Nothing stays the same.”
I ended up praying about the situation and even spoke to my dear mother over the phone about this. Later on, however, on March 7th to my surprise she came to visit Corban for the day. She was sitting with the usual people that I have lunch with on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. As I was having my lunch and socializing with the people at the table, along the way I kept getting whispers from God saying “talk to her, talk to her” over and over again.
So as soon as the majority of people left lunch to carry on their day I pulled her aside and told her that I’d like to talk to her later. That afternoon she came and I told her honestly that when we met to talk I prayed that the Holy spirit would help us calm down and not unleash anger but for us to graciously hear the other out. I gave her my reasons as to why the friendship ended.
First, I told her it’s because I have autism and it’s hard for me to make friends. I’m not pulling the special needs card it really is hard for me to make friends, not because I’m incapable of socializing but sometimes incapable of relating. Second, I put her on a pedestal that she didn’t even want to be on. Third, I gave her so much love that it proved havoc for her and she just didn’t know how to take it.
She ended up saying that my reasons were accurate and then went on to apologize for hurting me. But I told her I needed to have her hurt me to learn the lesson of letting go. We ended up talking more and having the closure that we needed.
Afterward, I walked her up to PVG where her mother was planning to pick her up and on the way we ended up seeing a rainbow. I then gave her my goodbye hug and we said our goodbye’s again. As I headed back to my dorm room and saw that rainbow, I needed to remember that God promised to keep loving us despite any good or bad that come my way.
With that said, if you ever lost a friend or in the process of losing one remember that You are So loved. Also, you can’t put someone on a pedestal that they don’t want to be on. If the friendship ended just know that God has a wonderful plan for both you and the friend.
In the future, if you and your friend rekindle the friendship let that be God’s doing and not your own.
These are the very thoughts God put on my heart. I can definitely say that I happily have moved on and I am indeed happy that my former friend is doing well. I don’t have any negative nudge in the pit of my stomach. Even by losing this friend, the Lord made me new.