On the issue of pocket inequality

A terrible injustice has been done to the female community. You’re probably thinking of women’s education, women’s job opportunities or women’s right to vote, but that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about – I’m referring to pocket equality.

You may perceive this topic as irrelevant or insignificant, but let me assure you that women think of it as anything but. When asked how she feels about women’s pockets in today’s fashion, college student Bronte Brooke responded: “Very passionately. It’s like you sit down with anything in your pockets and stuff just starts falling out, dispensing itself like a candy machine.” The impracticality of women’s pockets is nothing less than exhausting.

It’s clear that the sole purpose of pockets in women’s clothing is not for functionality, but purely for a fashion statement. What are women to conclude from this except that they, themselves, exist not out of necessity or usefulness, but instead – like their pocket fashion so clearly expresses – to look pretty and have no purpose? This, my friends, is the real discrimination.

When asked to describe what a woman could realistically expect to fit inside of her typical pocket, Brooke responds, “Probably a mini-Chapstick,” not a normal sized one, mind you, that would be too much, “and maybe a penny or dime,” because a quarter would protrude, “but definitely not a phone,” and who really needs those anyway? While it might be conceded that a girl would be able to fit a handful of small items in her pocket while standing up, there is no question that as soon as she sits down, all that nonsense is being taken out, because it will either awkwardly poke and protrude or just fall out anyways.

Pockets are especially frustrating when you look at all that is being offered to men. Men can fit practically everything they own in their pocket: their entire wallet, a pocket knife, their phone, a credit card, passport, lighter, ear buds, a bagel for a snack later and I suspect a moose if they so choose to hide one there. In other words, have you seen Mary Poppins’ carpet bag?

The real inequality in America is that guys are able to stuff literally everything inside of their pocket, while girls have to compensate by carrying around giant purses to hold all their things. If a girl’s not up for lugging a huge handbag around with her, well then she better hope she has a guy around who can carry her essential belongings for her.

Oh, whoops. Did that just imply that women might need a man in order to function? Well, that’s certainly what their pockets are telling them.

Here you all are squabbling over women’s education, discrimination and unfairness in the job market, when all women really want in their lives are pockets with the capacity to hold a normal-sized tube of Chapstick. Come on, America, get your priorities in order. It’s time that pocket injustice was done away with.