Uglify yourself!

An extremely attractive young friend recently shared with me that boys (“not men,” she specified) were “hitting on” her. I wasn’t sure whether she was bothered by the fact that they were “boys” instead of “men” or if she saw the “hitting on” as a problem.

Regardless, I shared my words of wisdom. For those of you who have a similar problem, perhaps my suggestions will help you, too.

“Uglify yourself!” I urged, since totally unattractive women/girls/ladies don’t usually have that problem. And here is the “uglification” process:

1) Get some horn-rimmed glasses … or, better yet, some plastic-framed pink or red or blue “cat-eye” glasses that were popular in the 50s.

2) With an eyebrow pencil, draw on a “uni-brow,” so your eyebrows meet in the middle of your forehead. A totally unattractive look!

3) Shop at Goodwill in the “old lady” section. Find something frumpy, maybe a printed cotton dress; be sure it is a couple of sizes bigger than you ordinarily wear.

4) And shoes – while you’re at Goodwill, check out their shoes. You’re bound to find some “old lady” shoes, maybe oxfords with shoelaces you can tie – or some very old, worn tennies.

5) Definitely alter your posture, especially if you usually walk with shoulders back and chin up. Try slouching! Stoop those shoulders and let your arms dangle. The closer your fingers can get to the ground, the better for this appearance.

6) Chew gum! Chew gum intently! Chew gum with purpose. And don’t just chew it – Pop it! Crack it! Smack it! Blow bubbles with it! And pop them with gusto. Nothing is more unattractive!

7) Throw more likes into your conversation than you usually do. Aim for every third word … “I was like do you know like what he did like yesterday? I was like so upset I like couldn’t even like think about him like after that. Like what would you do like if you knew like what he did?” (And intersperse the likes with the gum activities mentioned in #6.)

8 ) And finally, the piece de resistance (that’s French for “this will definitely do the job”): As a final touch to your makeup, put circles of blush on each cheek – right in the middle, just below the upper jawbone. DO NOT blend them in. They must remain definite circles of red.

Those who follow through with this plan and send us a photo at hilltopnews@corban.edu will be eligible for our prize drawing. We’ll let you know later what it is, but know this: the prize will help you with your uglification, and, after all, that is your aim, isn’t it?