The Hilltop has recently released its first print issue of the semester. Maybe you noticed stacks of them throughout campus, but most likely you didn’t. Before you decide to pick one up and look beyond the front page, you should know a few of the reasons why you shouldn’t even bother.
- People won’t be able to tell that you’re a millennial
When your trendy friends see that you’re the one hiding behind those giant pages and not an ancient professor, they might start treating you like a crippled grandparent. The only way to know what’s going on in the world and not become a social outcast is to stick to BuzzFeed. How else would you know all the reasons why Donald Trump is the absolute worst?
- You could be doing better things
Your time is your life. You can’t get it back. That’s why you should spend as much time as you can scrolling endlessly through Facebook and Instagram or binge watching your favorite Netflix shows. If you ever feel a crippling sense of emptiness inside you, entertainment is the best way to fill that void.
- The Hilltop staff is full of crazy people
Those writers are so relentless about getting stories, they’ll spend an eternity stalking you down for a single quote. If you feel like you have to respond, simply fill in the blank saying, “It was pretty cool.” You’re better off if you avoid them entirely because they might try to befriend you. Besides, nobody will read your quote anyway.
- Reading is way too hard
Trust me, you don’t want to put yourself through that agony. You’re already pretending to do your readings for your classes and reading Bible passages whenever they show up on a projector. Don’t just take my word for it. The University of Sarcasm even did an in depth study which concluded that reading too much can significantly increase your risk of serious health issues like paper cuts, abnormal hair growth and explosive diarrhea.
- They don’t even have memes
The only pictures they print are of people doing things on campus, and they usually aren’t very funny. If only the Hilltop editors understood that their paper could be moderately popular if there were less facts and more jokes. They haven’t even posted a single funny cat video on their website or social media sites.