So, yes, I dressed up like a dinosaur once for chapel, and now everyone is asking the same question. Do you really like dinosaurs? Yes. Yes, I do. I like them because they’re cool. Some are big, some are small. Some have scales, others have feathers. Some eat leaves, others eat other dinosaurs. But another reason I like dinosaurs is because they are my family. It is a myth that dinosaurs are extinct. I am a dinosaur, and you can be one, too.
If you want to join the ranks of my wonderful family, here is what you need to do:
1. Go to the library and read every book you can find about dinosaurs — from non-fiction to children’s books (those ones are the most accurate, anyway). Much like humans read self help books to learn about their own existence, you should read these books to learn about dinosaurs’ existence.
2. Do hefty research until you can decide which kind of dinosaur you want to be. This includes field research. Try eating salads exclusively, and if you don’t like it, then maybe you shouldn’t be a stegosaurus. If you can’t seem to master the flying dynamic, you should pass on becoming a pterodactyl, as well.
3. Watch every dinosaur movie you can find and practice the dinosaur language. This is one of the most complex steps in the process, and can lead to disaster if failure ensues. The dinosaur language is very similar to a dialect of chicken, and you could end up with a yard full of chicken poop if you mess up your words.
4. Stop using indoor commodities such sinks, toilets, and showers. The forest is your oyster! Embrace outdoor living.
5. Be friendly to every reptile you see — from the tortoise to the lizard. They will be your cousins, and you will have to see them several times a year for holidays. No one wants awkward hostilities between family members, so pick up your pride, and tell the chameleon that pink suits it, whether it’s true or not.
6. Practice, practice, practice! Once you’ve decided what type of dinosaur you’ll be, become a master of all things related. Walk the way they walk, talk the way they talk. Eat what they eat, wear what they wear (note: for cultural reasons, please wear additional “human clothes” on top of this). Be a dinosaur in every respect. You won’t be perfect right away; it takes time! Be patient with yourself.
7. Always remember that, “the best way to spread dinosaur cheer, is by roaring loud for all to hear.”
No go forth and be terrific.