A pal of mine seems to think that anything accomplished after 10 p.m. is the result of laziness.
I could feel her silently judging me, the purveyor of procrastination, as I related to her the events of the all-nighter I had pulled the evening before. She didn’t even care that I had crossed off everything from my checklist.
I haven’t completed anything before 10 p.m. since – holy sleep deprivation, Batman! – high school.
I thrive on late night sessions because I know I have to get it done; I have to finish because I have no other choice. It’s either finish or fail. I like the simplicity of those options.
I seem to lack the discipline of people, like my pal, who always accomplish everything they set out to do. Everything they say they will get done will, period.
I can see myself a few years from now, in the real world, struggling from lacking self-control.
Without restraint, I will live beyond my means, in debt, as one of those people who thinks the Lord will come back before the creditors come calling. Without willpower to motivate me, I will be stuck in a dead-end job, without the hope of advancement because I won’t put in the necessary effort to raise the ladder.
Even my marriage will be affected by this. If I marry someone with the same problem, I will resent him because he will remind me of my own flawed character. If, however, I marry someone who is disciplined, someone who finishes his work a day before it’s due, then I will resent him because I am not like him and can’t seem to figure out how to be like him. Perhaps I would have finished “Catch 22” if this had been the dilemma.
I realize, intuitively, that the way to solve this is to be, of course, more disciplined. I tried that the other day, tried to be more responsible and grown up.
I started my disciplined life with a list. First up, getting my car washed, which I did, but by the time I got back to my room, I was too exhausted from accomplishment to continue on my quest. The daylight was spent watching “House” and reading “I Capture the Castle.” And because failure depresses me, I spent the night being consoled by my pals at Shari’s. I didn’t even get to studying for my test the next day.
I realized that not only was I undisciplined, but unmotivated to change. And to compound it, I am not disciplined enough to motivate myself.