Untitled By Kathryn Cleven I hate how easily I justify my sin. Subtle as a toddler with cookie crumbs on their chin Muddy shoes laced by a mislead noose Tripping in circles as if there’s nothing to lose If only I were a moth, my nature would be attracted to the light Maybe if it were, I could aim for the Son and fly. But honestly, I can’t. No amount of red bull gives me wings Or if it does, they’re those of a chicken. I know the cliches your parent’s parent’s parent’s say. It’s just I’d rather go to burger king so I can have it my way I heard reliable sources say to stand on the edge I mean, actually they said avoid it But I know what they meant. Because I know, I won’t look down and I know I won’t start sliding and I know I won’t fall off ...unless that’d be exciting But enough with the metaphors This isn’t abstract It’s a holiness and discipline Somehow I just lack I watch violence, murder, theft, and sex as if my own morality is never put to that test Then rationalize the songs on repeat, telling myself it’s ‘cause I like the beat And alphabet soup letters swim together That’s okay I’ll take it spoon-fed I don’t control what they say Man, half the time I don’t even know what phrases mean Yet here I am letting a stranger’s toothbrush keep my mouth clean. Of course I’ll pay for entertainment Go on and take my money I trust myself so much I’ll filter a pitcher of sin Get pure water out of that The rest, I can defend. So then there’s a tumor in my brain But the doctor doesn’t see And when they find a cure for cancer It still can’t cure me Here I thought the road was straight Until I looped and swerved like cursive Maybe my intentions weren’t so great So maybe the point is to reverse it But then I wondered how one could get off track if everything that happens is a part of God’s plan And then I wondered if I even needed to turn back if everything I did lead me to where I am Bound to decisions. Counting on knowledge fades away If I’m following my feelings I choose to never change. The past may be past but the future’s not green pastures unless you’re being led and not just by any pastor You see, I could list a lot of do’s and don’ts. write a novel of advice that you can take, and I won’t. because through apathy and curiosity, I’m busy turning numb, waiting for time to come when I can prove that I’ve improved on my own. But I haven’t. I can’t do that on my own. I try and I try and here I am full grown thinking the same things, like some things are about me like I’m missing out by not living recklessly like if I mix oil with water I’ll still come away free like justified by faith means I can justify my “needs” like I can’t hurt others if I choose not to see Can’t I have both? Lord may it never be. Jesus save me from myself. Jesus save me from myself. Because acceptance of sin just needs acceptance of Your help.   The Hilltop is proud of its students and will occasionally feature student's work. If you have any questions or would like to be featured please contact kelseyleavitt@corban.edu.