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By Kathryn Cleven

I hate
how easily I justify my sin.
Subtle as a toddler
with cookie crumbs on their chin
Muddy shoes laced by a mislead noose
Tripping in circles
as if there’s nothing to lose

If only I were a moth,
my nature would be attracted to the light
Maybe if it were, I could aim for the Son
and fly.

But honestly, I can’t.
No amount of red bull gives me wings
Or if it does, they’re those of a
chicken.

I know the cliches
your parent’s parent’s parent’s say.
It’s just I’d rather go to burger king
so I can have it my way

I heard reliable sources say to stand on the edge
I mean, actually they said avoid it
But I know what they meant.

Because I know, I won’t look down
and I know I won’t start sliding
and I know I won’t fall off
…unless that’d be exciting

But enough with the metaphors
This isn’t abstract
It’s a holiness and discipline
Somehow I just lack

I watch violence, murder, theft, and sex
as if my own morality is never put to that test
Then rationalize the songs on repeat,
telling myself it’s ‘cause I like the beat

And alphabet soup letters swim together
That’s okay
I’ll take it spoon-fed
I don’t control what they say

Man, half the time I don’t even know
what phrases mean
Yet here I am letting a stranger’s toothbrush
keep my mouth clean.

Of course I’ll pay for entertainment
Go on and take my money
I trust myself so much
I’ll filter a pitcher of sin
Get pure water out of that
The rest, I can defend.

So then there’s a tumor in my brain
But the doctor doesn’t see
And when they find a cure for cancer
It still can’t cure me

Here I thought the road was straight
Until I looped and swerved like cursive
Maybe my intentions weren’t so great
So maybe the point is to reverse it

But then I wondered how one could get off track
if everything that happens is a part of God’s plan
And then I wondered if I even needed to turn back
if everything I did lead me to where I am

Bound to decisions.
Counting on knowledge fades away
If I’m following my feelings
I choose to never change.

The past may be past
but the future’s not green pastures
unless you’re being led
and not just by any pastor

You see, I could list a lot of do’s and don’ts.
write a novel of advice that you can take, and I won’t.
because through apathy and curiosity, I’m busy
turning numb, waiting for time to come
when I can prove that I’ve improved on my own.

But I haven’t.

I can’t do that on my own.

I try and I try and here I am full grown
thinking the same things,
like some things are about me
like I’m missing out by not living recklessly
like if I mix oil with water I’ll still come away free
like justified by faith means I can justify my “needs”
like I can’t hurt others if I choose not to see
Can’t I have both?
Lord may it never be.

Jesus save me from myself.
Jesus save me from myself.

Because acceptance of sin
just needs acceptance of Your help.

 

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